Love Notes From Mom
I know that in the black community talking about one's family is taboo. I, for the record, don't give a flying rat's behind because my mother is fucknuts. I don't mean that in the endearing "aw isn't she cute" kind of way. I mean the "fly off the handle at stupid shit kind of way." I used to get angry at her for this. I mean really angry about it, but you know, I really don't care anymore. I just laugh because the only reason I came home was to get my teacher certification so I can at least live decently.
It's time for me to move out and I've been planning to do that, but she keeps asking me not to. I feel sorry for her because she's lonely, but not for the reasons you or I would be lonely. I don't need someone to reflect an image of myself back to me. I could be by myself for days on end and I wouldn't care. This is how I've been scarred in life. I'm scared of people almost to the point where speaking in front of them becomes an ordeal. I just like my small group of close friends who are elsewhere. I miss them dearly because they got me. It's the type of friendship where we talk, but we don't have to at times because just being together is nice. No pretenses involved. I digress though.
Currently, I am living with her and I had been thinking for a while about getting out because the only thing she really wants is a pocket and now that I make decent money she wants to live out of mine. I know this sounds crass, but I'm not the type of person to come to these conclusions. She is the type of person who says things like, "Don't go out spending my money," as if what I make is hers. Granted, she is saying this jokingly, but she owes me $1200 dollars right now and she acts as if I'm evil for asking her to pay me back. She says things like, "I'm your mother and I gave you money whenever you needed it. I remember when you were crying about money and I never asked you to pay me back."
I had to step away from my computer for a second to clear all the expletives out of my head before continuing.
She's my mother and I think as a mother, a real mother, you give without expectation and that you have an unconditional positive regard for your children. In return, when your children grow up they return that, but not to the degree that you gave it. I am an adult and I shouldn't have to raise my parent. I'm trying to build my own life now and I could use the money that she has no intention of returning to me so I can follow her instructions.
She's been meaner than usual lately and I think it's because she found a guy who will just hang out with her though she cares nothing for him. He proposed and she accepted because she figured he was the best she could get. So, needless to say, she doesn't need any of the occupants of this house as a mirror anymore.
Today, she came home and looked in her room and saw her expensive new TV was on. It was probably on because she forgot to turn it off in her haste to get out of the house before me this morning. That doesn't surprise me at all. She swore and then she asked me if I had turned on her TV and then she asked my brother who also said no. She then went through the trouble of putting up this little love note for me, my brother and my uncle.
It's time for me to move out and I've been planning to do that, but she keeps asking me not to. I feel sorry for her because she's lonely, but not for the reasons you or I would be lonely. I don't need someone to reflect an image of myself back to me. I could be by myself for days on end and I wouldn't care. This is how I've been scarred in life. I'm scared of people almost to the point where speaking in front of them becomes an ordeal. I just like my small group of close friends who are elsewhere. I miss them dearly because they got me. It's the type of friendship where we talk, but we don't have to at times because just being together is nice. No pretenses involved. I digress though.
Currently, I am living with her and I had been thinking for a while about getting out because the only thing she really wants is a pocket and now that I make decent money she wants to live out of mine. I know this sounds crass, but I'm not the type of person to come to these conclusions. She is the type of person who says things like, "Don't go out spending my money," as if what I make is hers. Granted, she is saying this jokingly, but she owes me $1200 dollars right now and she acts as if I'm evil for asking her to pay me back. She says things like, "I'm your mother and I gave you money whenever you needed it. I remember when you were crying about money and I never asked you to pay me back."
I had to step away from my computer for a second to clear all the expletives out of my head before continuing.
She's my mother and I think as a mother, a real mother, you give without expectation and that you have an unconditional positive regard for your children. In return, when your children grow up they return that, but not to the degree that you gave it. I am an adult and I shouldn't have to raise my parent. I'm trying to build my own life now and I could use the money that she has no intention of returning to me so I can follow her instructions.
She's been meaner than usual lately and I think it's because she found a guy who will just hang out with her though she cares nothing for him. He proposed and she accepted because she figured he was the best she could get. So, needless to say, she doesn't need any of the occupants of this house as a mirror anymore.
Today, she came home and looked in her room and saw her expensive new TV was on. It was probably on because she forgot to turn it off in her haste to get out of the house before me this morning. That doesn't surprise me at all. She swore and then she asked me if I had turned on her TV and then she asked my brother who also said no. She then went through the trouble of putting up this little love note for me, my brother and my uncle.
Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside doesn't it?
posted by kyleth at
8:43 PM
3 Comments
